I’m less than 20 days before I turn 29 and I’m childless. This is a choice, my choice.
When I was younger, my mom would often joke about “not wanting to take care of grandchildren” and I used to tell her to shut up; I was 14 and had some issues with her besides that.
Until one day I exploded in frustration and I yelled: “Don’t worry, they won’t be any grandchildren for you to care for!” And for the first time I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time, I could see the hurt in mom’s eyes.
That was nearly 15 years ago and I sometimes still struggle to get my message across: No I don’t want children and No I won’t change my mind later on.
Granted my mom had me when she was 33, but then again my mom and I are basically oil and water; incredibly different from one another. My mom craves (even if she doesn’t say it out loud) for love of all kinds, I’m content with what I’ve got. I have issues with my family some days and I made peace with it. I’m a black sheep and I don’t regret it.
And I don’t regret it because I am my own person; I feel free. And yes, I have experience with children (I’m a teacher and I have several nieces) but still, even then I don’t feel any overwhelming urge or need to be a mother myself.
I don’t doubt that is one of the hardest jobs that there could possibly be and one where love from a parent to child can be absolutely wonderful; but that’s not what I want. I want my own life, I don’t want to spend sleepless nights changing diapers or feeding babies; I’m selfish and I’m honest enough to say, that person isn’t me.
I’d probably make a terrible mother and I’m honest about it. The whole pregnancy issue scares the crap out of me too, so no, I don’t see me going there at all.
I respect other women choices when it comes to marriage and children, but, I can’t help but to wonder, why can’t they respect mine? It’s just as valid as theirs. And I’m honest about it, I don’t hate kids nor men, but that life isn’t what I want for me. So, why should I made to feel bad or made to feel that I failed womanhood by actively avoiding both?
I don’t view myself less of a woman because I don’t have children, nor do I see myself as a failure for not marrying. I’d rather be childless and happy in my choice than doing something I know it’s not for me just to please others. But I don’t deny there’s a part of me that feels bad for my mother, I know she’d love to have grandchildren and I’m her only child, but no. I’m sorry, but I can’t do it.
So, don’t even try to make me feel bad about it, because I seriously don’t give a damn.